Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Zen and the Art of Stopping Pilates

What's up people?
Sorry lack of an Internet connection has spaced out my entries, never fear hijacked Wi-Fi to the rescue!

Just got back from an EPIC 3 day adventure in retardation in the middle of Lake Roosevelt for my buddy The HighRoader's Bachelor Clown Fest.

Now most bachelor parties are hastily thrown together "events" with 5 or 6 of your slovenly buddies trying to out drink each other in After Shock shots, while stuffing your weeks allowance from your wife into some dirty strippers g-string and hoping to god she provides "extra services." Or worse yet slogging to and fro various watering holes dragging around a fake ball and chain and a shirt that says "Last Night of Freedom" but really should say, "I left my self respect at E.E Robbins".

So those kind of parties suck A LOT. Why would you want your Bro's last single night to be a exercise in embarrassment and degradation? He's already blown it by getting married and is going to get plenty of that from the Mrs. everyday of his life on the way to: Soccer practice, Home Depot, or Bed Bath and Beyond ( "...not sure if we'll have time, kind of a big day tomorrow".)

UM NO. The single life send off should be one of the most positive, well planned, ridiculous, off the chart experiences of your life! You should do it in style, do it right, go big, and above all remember: This is (supposedly) a once in a life time experience and should be treated accordingly! NO this is not the time to text your girlfriend constant updates, "No dear. No strippers still..." "No no hard alcohol, just beer like you said...," "Hi just checking in about checking in." (ahem Best Man.) This isn't the time to be worrying about all the work you need to do at your crappy job ON MONDAY which is 3 days from now, C'MON! The only thing you should be thinking about is making sure your Bro has the most kick ass time possible and how you are going to do it.

So please feel free to use The HighRoader's Clown Fest as a blueprint to victory: NO don't ask your wife/Mom if you can "please, please have a party in the basement if you promise not to get too rowdy and swear you'll clean up." DO rent yourselves a 60ft BALLER house boat equipped with hot tub and water slide, drive it out in the middle of a ginormous lake in the middle of I don't know where, fill it full of cases and cases of alcohol, kegs on CO2, 3 days of gourmet food, more booze, inflatable floating animals, the dopest Waking Boarding Boat I've ever seen, even MORE booze, and 20 of the most fearless retards to ever walk the earth and you've got yourself a party worth talking about.

So what do you do if you're Ray Chi on a boat with a bunch of extreme athletes half your age to show 'em that "You started this Gangsta shit"? Well you tie the hose off the top deck and repel over the bow with the hose in hand ala DIE HARD to the deck below to spray down the surprised and astonished attendees, most of whom you just met, before you leave the marina. That's what.

SIDEBAR: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR ANYWHERE ELSE UNLESS YOU ARE RAY CHI OR BRUCE WILLIS!!! Not exactly sure if it was the bottle of Crown Royal the 4 of us polished off on the 5 hour drive up, the 3 hours of sleep the night before, or just plain stupidity, but I failed to realize that the "hose" was nothing more than an extra long kitchen sprayer AND NOT a typical garden hose that would have easily supported Mr. Chi's extra-husky frame. SO it snapped mid rappel....but due to my amazing knack for repeatedly cheating death OR possibly my cat-like reflexes, I managed to not dump it in the water and be run over by the boat and chopped to bits by the enormous props. I also managed to avoid landing on the solid metal railing causing massive amounts of pain, and most likely trip-ending paralysis, but instead landed squarely on my feet amid said crowd of bewildered dudes with water streaming out of the broken hose and everyone wondering what the F just happened?!?! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

So since that little stunt was unsuccessful, what would somebody who almost died do next? Sit back, have a cocktail and lick your wounds? UM NO, promptly go right back up to the top deck and take a running dive over the stern with zero warning, and over the heads of more startled onlookers. NEVER FEAR READERS, my uncanny ability to cheat death prevailed and I miraculously survived "unscathed", (of course not realizing there was a 4ft swim platform BEYOND the 5ft of deck I had to clear in order to successfully land in water and not on the oh so unforgiving fiberglass.)

SIDEBAR: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR ANYWHERE ELSE UNLESS YOU ARE RAY CHI OR BRUCE WILLIS!!! So in this case "unscathed" means failing about madly mid-air to avoid grievous harm and landing in the water, no less than a 1/2 inch from a neck snapping and SOMEHOW only slightly scraping your arm in the process. YES it was that close. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The Best Man called this display "Prison Style", which I wholeheartedly agreed with. This means when you go to Prison all of the popular literature tells you to immediately find the biggest, meanest, most terrifying con and precede to publicly beat the piss out of him and/or shank him in the yard. This sets the tone for your stay letting the other convicts know that you are not to be "punked", traded for cigarettes or whatever. So by me setting the bar on bad ideas so instantly into the trip, I have thusly been assured a safe voyage and let the other fools know who they are dealing with, (and that I will not be "punked", traded for cigarettes or whatever.) MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Usually one dude per trip goes off the reservation and does something severely wacko, granted that person is usually me, so imagine my surprise to be on a boat full of 'em. I've never been on any trip, anywhere where there is not a single person that is the voice of reason. Someone ALWAYS says the fate full phrase, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea..?" These words were never spoken.

The Die Hard off the bow was just the beginning for these clowns:
Standing 25ft sand dune jump to 1ft in front of huge bonfire, check.
2am Wake Surfing session with nothing on but a life jacket and a headlamp, check.
Reverse back flip off 30ft rope swing, check.
Drunken back flip of 50ft train trestle, check
Standing rubber raft tug of war, check.
Midnight pitch black group train trestle jump with only head lamp, check.
Reverse Alligator to face plant on water slide, check.
Daylight group jump of 60ft bridge while filming video on way down, check.
45 minute black out lecture from The Wizzle about sex with Grandmas, politics, and how to properly get a Orca to give you a blow job, priceless.
All in all a thoroughly successful adventure and a How-To for Bachelor Party's.

So let this be a lesson to all of you: Your buddies last blast before kissing the single life goodbye should not be taken lightly by you, him or anyone involved! Do your best to plan an event worthy of the death of fun by going flat out BESERKER with your bros and maybe, just maybe if you try hard enough, and add enough booze you too can "...bottle the essence of The Wizzle and stop Pilates."

Congrats to The HighRoader and I'll see you bastards in Kauai.

That's all I got,


Scott Rinckenberger said...

Outstanding. I just laughed my coffee on to my keyboard which should get me out of at least 20 minutes of work. And freedom marches on!

Chris Rudolph said...

Awesome Jesse! I'm proud to be one of those retards. Nice write up man, my face hurts!

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