Sunday, May 23, 2010

Dear Sir, Please Turn Over Your Man Card

I saw a disturbing item on my friend Shag's refrigerator the other day, an invite to a "Couple's Arrival Party." What the???

HERE'S THE DEAL:   Just because they're calling it an "Couples Arrival Party" doesn't mean shit, it's still a baby shower and you Sir, shouldn't be there.

Let's go a step further, there is not a single heterosexual man on planet earth that WANTS to go to a baby showerNO, NO, I don't care what he told you to keep getting laid, (or he may have went and then he used it as a bargaining chip to go to some unnamed guy event later) NO, I'm going tell you something: He didn't want to go, he didn't have fun, AND all his friends made fun of him for going.

Hey Man, I don't care how your woman/the expectant father spun it to you, "Oh man, there's lots of guys going!", " Dude, we'll totally do our own thing, separate from the girls!" , "Bro! C'mon! We'll have beers, smoke cigars, and play cards downstairs, I talked to (insert expectant mothers name here) and she said it's totally cool!" YEAH RIGHT!

You know that's not gonna happen! The girls are all gonna be in the front room cooing and giggling and rubbing the bump and shit. You'll be with the other eunuchs in the kitchen trying to power through the Michelob Ultra and wondering how long till you can sneak off and watch Shogun beat the piss out of Machida, and it then it happens....

The baby mafia huddle up and start tearing opening gifts, and it's allllll over for you suckas...."Oh Sugar Dumpling, come in here and see this, it's sooo cute!" ,"Hey Snuggles! You havvve to watch  (insert expectant mothers name here) open the gift we got her!" ," Oh you guys can watch the gifts AND THEN you guys can play cards! GET IN HERE." Next thing you know your eating a steaming pile of candy crap in a diaper and hoping to god you can decide whether its Baby Ruth or Snickers. Seriously that happens.

Monday Night Poker Games, Triple Crown Race Days, and Greenwood Car Show Epic Day Drunks.

PLEASE FEEL FREE to check the "Sorry can not attend" box on the invite of the next "Couples Arrival Party", "Bumpfest", or whatever the hell they are calling it, get on the phone to the other dudes not going and you could probably get a pretty good game going. Here's what to do, if it says "We are registered at Baby Gap", reach down, grab your balls, and just say NO.

Try it a few times, it just gets easier.

That's all I got,


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