Zen and the Art of Stopping Pilates

What's up people?
Sorry lack of an Internet connection has spaced out my entries, never fear hijacked Wi-Fi to the rescue!

Just got back from an EPIC 3 day adventure in retardation in the middle of Lake Roosevelt for my buddy The HighRoader's Bachelor Clown Fest.

Now most bachelor parties are hastily thrown together "events" with 5 or 6 of your slovenly buddies trying to out drink each other in After Shock shots, while stuffing your weeks allowance from your wife into some dirty strippers g-string and hoping to god she provides "extra services." Or worse yet slogging to and fro various watering holes dragging around a fake ball and chain and a shirt that says "Last Night of Freedom" but really should say, "I left my self respect at E.E Robbins".

So those kind of parties suck A LOT. Why would you want your Bro's last single night to be a exercise in embarrassment and degradation? He's already blown it by getting married and is going to get plenty of that from the Mrs. everyday of his life on the way to: Soccer practice, Home Depot, or Bed Bath and Beyond ( "...not sure if we'll have time, kind of a big day tomorrow".)

UM NO. The single life send off should be one of the most positive, well planned, ridiculous, off the chart experiences of your life! You should do it in style, do it right, go big, and above all remember: This is (supposedly) a once in a life time experience and should be treated accordingly! NO this is not the time to text your girlfriend constant updates, "No dear. No strippers still..." "No no hard alcohol, just beer like you said...," "Hi just checking in about checking in." (ahem Best Man.) This isn't the time to be worrying about all the work you need to do at your crappy job ON MONDAY which is 3 days from now, C'MON! The only thing you should be thinking about is making sure your Bro has the most kick ass time possible and how you are going to do it.

So please feel free to use The HighRoader's Clown Fest as a blueprint to victory: NO don't ask your wife/Mom if you can "please, please have a party in the basement if you promise not to get too rowdy and swear you'll clean up." DO rent yourselves a 60ft BALLER house boat equipped with hot tub and water slide, drive it out in the middle of a ginormous lake in the middle of I don't know where, fill it full of cases and cases of alcohol, kegs on CO2, 3 days of gourmet food, more booze, inflatable floating animals, the dopest Waking Boarding Boat I've ever seen, even MORE booze, and 20 of the most fearless retards to ever walk the earth and you've got yourself a party worth talking about.

So what do you do if you're Ray Chi on a boat with a bunch of extreme athletes half your age to show 'em that "You started this Gangsta shit"? Well you tie the hose off the top deck and repel over the bow with the hose in hand ala DIE HARD to the deck below to spray down the surprised and astonished attendees, most of whom you just met, before you leave the marina. That's what.

SIDEBAR: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR ANYWHERE ELSE UNLESS YOU ARE RAY CHI OR BRUCE WILLIS!!! Not exactly sure if it was the bottle of Crown Royal the 4 of us polished off on the 5 hour drive up, the 3 hours of sleep the night before, or just plain stupidity, but I failed to realize that the "hose" was nothing more than an extra long kitchen sprayer AND NOT a typical garden hose that would have easily supported Mr. Chi's extra-husky frame. SO it snapped mid rappel....but due to my amazing knack for repeatedly cheating death OR possibly my cat-like reflexes, I managed to not dump it in the water and be run over by the boat and chopped to bits by the enormous props. I also managed to avoid landing on the solid metal railing causing massive amounts of pain, and most likely trip-ending paralysis, but instead landed squarely on my feet amid said crowd of bewildered dudes with water streaming out of the broken hose and everyone wondering what the F just happened?!?! MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

So since that little stunt was unsuccessful, what would somebody who almost died do next? Sit back, have a cocktail and lick your wounds? UM NO, promptly go right back up to the top deck and take a running dive over the stern with zero warning, and over the heads of more startled onlookers. NEVER FEAR READERS, my uncanny ability to cheat death prevailed and I miraculously survived "unscathed", (of course not realizing there was a 4ft swim platform BEYOND the 5ft of deck I had to clear in order to successfully land in water and not on the oh so unforgiving fiberglass.)

SIDEBAR: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME OR ANYWHERE ELSE UNLESS YOU ARE RAY CHI OR BRUCE WILLIS!!! So in this case "unscathed" means failing about madly mid-air to avoid grievous harm and landing in the water, no less than a 1/2 inch from a neck snapping and SOMEHOW only slightly scraping your arm in the process. YES it was that close. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The Best Man called this display "Prison Style", which I wholeheartedly agreed with. This means when you go to Prison all of the popular literature tells you to immediately find the biggest, meanest, most terrifying con and precede to publicly beat the piss out of him and/or shank him in the yard. This sets the tone for your stay letting the other convicts know that you are not to be "punked", traded for cigarettes or whatever. So by me setting the bar on bad ideas so instantly into the trip, I have thusly been assured a safe voyage and let the other fools know who they are dealing with, (and that I will not be "punked", traded for cigarettes or whatever.) MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Usually one dude per trip goes off the reservation and does something severely wacko, granted that person is usually me, so imagine my surprise to be on a boat full of 'em. I've never been on any trip, anywhere where there is not a single person that is the voice of reason. Someone ALWAYS says the fate full phrase, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea..?" These words were never spoken.

The Die Hard off the bow was just the beginning for these clowns:
Standing 25ft sand dune jump to 1ft in front of huge bonfire, check.
2am Wake Surfing session with nothing on but a life jacket and a headlamp, check.
Reverse back flip off 30ft rope swing, check.
Drunken back flip of 50ft train trestle, check
Standing rubber raft tug of war, check.
Midnight pitch black group train trestle jump with only head lamp, check.
Reverse Alligator to face plant on water slide, check.
Daylight group jump of 60ft bridge while filming video on way down, check.
ZERO SERIOUS INJURIES, CHECK
45 minute black out lecture from The Wizzle about sex with Grandmas, politics, and how to properly get a Orca to give you a blow job, priceless.
All in all a thoroughly successful adventure and a How-To for Bachelor Party's.

So let this be a lesson to all of you: Your buddies last blast before kissing the single life goodbye should not be taken lightly by you, him or anyone involved! Do your best to plan an event worthy of the death of fun by going flat out BESERKER with your bros and maybe, just maybe if you try hard enough, and add enough booze you too can "...bottle the essence of The Wizzle and stop Pilates."

Congrats to The HighRoader and I'll see you bastards in Kauai.

That's all I got,
raychihasspoken   

Take Your Beating Like a Man

I "played" in a $5,000 Freeroll tournament at "The Office" on Sunday and got the elite distinction of being the 3rd person out.

Usually you would think sitting down and finding QQ for your very first hand of the tournament would be a good sign...well that's what you would think. The problem wasn't lack of hands during my brief 23 minutes stint in this event, it was plain old bad luck and lots of it. I actually got a disproportionate amount of premium hands, the kind of run you hope and dream about, and here's the part where I say, "but the odds were against me today", but then I would be totally lying.

You see sometimes, the odds are WITH YOU and you still lose, sometimes somebody else does something that costs you money, and sometimes you just get unlucky, cause no matter how much skill you think you have, there IS still luck and random chance involved.  "Sometimes shit don't go right."

I won't bore you with the play by play details of my contrarian defeats but here are the hands I received IN ORDER and the results:
QQ(w)
1010(w),
JJ(L-This was the crippler and left me with only $1,100 chips, on the third hand of the tournament!)
AA(w)
KQ(l)
KJ(l)
55(f)
KK(l)
OUT!

The point of all this isn't to write about yet another bad beat story, it's to write about something else entirely,
Losing.

You can pick up a ton of books that talk about how to win, what to do when you win, how to win more, but none of them really addresses the worst and one of the hardest parts of the game; taking a beating like a man.

I truly feel that besides natural skill and reading your opponents, being able to handle beats is absolutely vital to your success at the tables. If you can't routinely shake off beats, (bad or otherwise), and if you can't handle the many, many ways you get screwed over in this game (often through no fault of your own), then you should probably just stop playing right now and go play kickball or something. 

If you can't handle losing, then your going to steam off all your money, go on tilt or try to "Get that Jackass back" by playing back at them when you have the worst of it. Or your going to fall victim to what I have always had trouble with; becoming totally distracted by endlessly pondering how someone could possible play that horribly, or why god hates you. (Trust me I'm working on it.)

It is only when you can accept the weight of the the fact that even if you are the best player, even if you do everything correctly, even if you are statistically the favorite to win, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Just take a deep breath, blow it off, slug down that cocktail, and get ready for the next time it happens, cause trust me Brother it won't be the last.

Today's Hourly Rate: -$55.28hr

That's all I got,
raychihasspoken

Ticket Maker App From Daily Racing Form

Just like they say, "There's an App for that." Well guess what they ain't kidding.

I just downloaded the new Ticket Maker App for my Iphone from that goddamn genius and personal hero of mine Steven Crist of The Daily Racing Form, and man I think it's going to make my next day of handicapping a WHOLE lot easier.

So lemme tell you how it works, you know all those chicken scratch scribblings you see me doing, after I've dissected that days races and I'm trying to put together my betting ticket? YEAH THIS DOES IT FOR ME!
I just plug in the possible contenders as "A's, B's, C's or X's", pick the kind of wager I want to make, (of course it does multi-race wagers), MY BUDGET, your betting unit, and it formulates all of your possible ticket combo's for you!

GOD IT RULES! Not only does it save me time, which is vital, but it also makes it easy to save tickets, email them to yourself (or your trusty parlay partners), AND GIVES YOU A CALL OUT SCREEN SO YOU CAN JUST GO TO THE WINDOW AND READ IT OFF TO THE TELLER! I swear to god if this App could put ice and bourbon in a glass and hand it to me I'd probably marry it.

So anyway, it's definitely not as life changing as the first time I saw Lisa Hutchins jog across the soccer field in her pink angora sweater back in 5th grade.....but it's up there.

Check it out race fans:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/ticketmaker/id367643869?mt=8

There is also a version you can use just on your home computer: http://www.drf.com/formulator/ticketmaker.html

That's all I got,
raychihasspoken

Road Tripped

Let me make sure I understand this correctly,

You're having a Poker Tournament, WITH Bounties if I knock out certain players, PLUS a Playboy Playmate there hosting? Oh and there IS a bar right? So hmmm Poker, cash, hot chick, and booze...have I died and gone to heaven? (No because you're in Tacoma for one, two she's blond and maybe 90lbs, and c. if there is a heaven, you're DEFINITELY NOT going to it!)

So Palace Casino in Lakewood of all places, (basically drive to crap town and keep going till it sucks more, and it's on your right) was holding a $20,000 Tourney with bounties for $220 which is pretty big for this kind of venue and I thus assumed people would be playing out of their element, so I'd have a little edge. (Besides the fact that mere mortals aren't accustomed to being around Playboy models on a regular basis, so they may be a bit distracted, unlike of course yours truly), so with Protege in tow I made the trek.

I'm going to cliff note this for you. I didn't win.

I got to about 25th out of 78 and got taken out by one of the many HIGH QUALITY players there with his AMAZING ALL IN call of 17,000 chips with K8 off suit vs my A10 of clubs, (and if you think he had a read on me, I'm pretty sure the Sunday comics were above his capacity, so no. AND NO. I'M NOT JOKING.)

That being said, I wasn't the least bit surprised. This was one of the most stressful tournaments I've ever played in, and not because of the usual pressures involved, because this was one of the worst run, disorganized, amateurish tournaments I've every had the misfortune to attend, and with one of the weakest fields to boot. (BESIDES the hour and a half drive in rush hour traffic in the boiling sun, yeah besides that.)

Here is the part where I bore and baffle you all with the many ways this casino did not understand how to run a tournament this big, (or maybe even ANY tournament) and...ACTION:

Nobody knowing who was in charge, wrong number of seats at the tables, not preparing for players to come in after we started, dealers who had OBVIOUSLY never dealt a tournament EVER, a random draw for bounty players where a selected player didn't want to be the bounty and THEY LET HIM DECLINE, no tournament clock, not stopping the clock when there were issues, letting moved players skip blinds by not making sure they were in their seats when being moved, not understanding how to race chips, the Playboy bunny being WAY less attractive than advertised, arbitrarily not enforcing the "over the line rule", but most importantly of all these stupid things was the EXCRUCIATINGLY SLOW PACE OF THE DEALERS.

Suffice it to say, I've seen smoother run tourneys AT MY HOUSE full of drunken fools after 17 shot's of Austrian Kryptonite and 2 hours sleep the night before.

The snails pace of this thing was KILLING ME! The thing about tournaments as opposed to live play is that you are on a clock. The blinds keep rising round after round, so you need to get some hands you can play and you need to try to see as many hands per hour as possible in order to just stay a float. Well when your only getting about 9-10 hands a round, it's a bit tough to pick up any steam, (compared to approx 18-28hph average.)

Maybe $220 isn't a lot of coin in Lakewood, but where I'm from it buys a lot of bourbon, so I'm pretty confused at the ridiculous level of play of these people. I mean they sucked. They may as well have thrown their cash into the pull tab bin and hoped to god they got a fist full of redlines.

After I saw the field, and if I was a betting man (ahem) I would have set the line somewhere around 3-1 for me to win it and "No number was too big" to bet I would definitely cash at the final table.

After a few rounds, I knew I would never be outplayed here. I would just get screwed over by somebody saying "Well you gotta gamble" or some shit like that. Which is precisely what happened, but since this is my year of NEW zen like tranquility, I wasn't bugged a bit.

(It could have been worse, my Protege only got to play 3 hands before he was out when he out flopped AA with two pair, only to have the board pair on the river (back to back) leaving him to get drunk for the next four hours by himself. 

Well just like a great man once said,  "Sometimes Shit Don't Go Right.".

At least I hit a bounty on the way out, bringing my tournament from a $220 investment to only $20, so it ended up not being as horrible as it could have been. (So even with the $10 I gave Goldie to fill up on booze while he waited for me and tried to avoid getting knifed), less than one buy in at my daily "Office" tourney, so no big deal.

Dear Palace Casino,
Get your people some training, buy a tournament clock, learn how to use it, AND PLEASE DEAR GOD GET STACY FULSON A SANDWICH!
Give me a call when you do.

Today's Hourly Rate: -$7.00hr
I figured in gas in my hourly rate this time since it was so very, very far.

That's all I got,
raychihasspoken

General Contracting

You can stop worrying, I'm back.

No I haven't gone crazy(ier) from prolonged sleep deprivation, just taking a break from the daily grind (otherwise known as all the other useless crap in life that's not gambling.) Ray Chi hasn't been to "The Office" for awhile, so hence no office, no thrilling entries on my masterful play or devastating defeats at the tables.

You see sometimes you need just need a break. Maybe the cards aren't coming right or long shots are bombing and FN up your action. Maybe your playing like a jackass and need to reassess your game plan. Maybe you just need a little time to cleanse your palate and  "Get Your Ch'i Straight." 

Or maybe you're just broke and need some time to get some scratch together to get back into action. You see unlike your "job" where you just show up day in and day out doing whatever BS you people do in a cubicle and they (they being "THE MAN"), give you a paycheck, (I've heard of these, but it's been a while since I've actually SEEN one...) My "job" is vastly different. See just like "You can't build a house without tools", you can't make any money if you don't have any you can afford to wager.

Gambling is weird in that the tools of your trade are the exact same thing you are trying to acquire: Cold Hard Cash. You can't sit down at the tables, play any tournaments, or put together any well planned part-wheels at Hollywood Park. In fact without cash you can't do anything, put gas in your ride, have cocktails, take some honey out on the town, or pay bills, (notice how this is last on the list) NOTHING.
AND THAT SIR SUCKS.

One of my Minions dropped some pearls on me the other day;
"You know what would solve all of our problems?" 
"No. What?" I say waiting expectantly for this sacred knowledge.
"Being Born Rich."
No Shit.

So you do what you gotta do to get back in action; pick your spots, play smaller limits, place smaller wagers, play tighter, keep it simple, ( layoff the big multi race wagers and Superfecta plays), and try to build your bankroll back up to where you can get back in action, and in the style your accustomed to.

Or you do what I do, you get on the Hustle and beat the bushes for some cash, cause there's money out there you just have to get it. Call in some markers or rifle through some of your useless crap and see if you can sell it off on Craig's List, or theres always some professional enabling (pouring drinks) if all else fails.

Cause here's the deal, if you have an honest assessment of your own ability, a reasonable expectation of winning, AND the right R.O.I (return on investment) you should be playing, and you just need to figure out how to do it.

SO here's what you do: Frame out a solid foundation of some cash, grab your tools, and start hammering these fools.


How much are Mr. T lunchboxes going for on EBay?

That's all I got,
raychihasspoken

Green is Good Yellow is Bad

Here is today's worksheet. The horses marked in green were either my "A's" or "B's" and were either included or could have been. The ones that are yellow with green lines are horses that cheated me out of my rightful victory, and I couldn't have picked even if all my other choices broke their legs, like all four of them.
Seriously.

This is the Sound of Me Failing

"BODY BLOW! BODY BLOW! UPPER CUT!"

Just like the old "Punch Out" arcade game that would drain my pockets of every last dime; this is how it feels when the two longest shots on the board, (21-1 and 19-1) run 1st and 2nd to ruin NOT ONLY my chance for a future-changing Pick 6 score, bragging rights FOREVER, AND finally achieving my life long dream of taking a bath in Crown Royal, BUT ALSO any remaining self respect or street cred I might save by hitting some saver consols. "KNOCK OUT!"

THERE IS A REASON PEOPLE PLAY THE Pick 6, however elusive it may be: HUGE, HUGE sums of money for the low, low price of only $2. (Although if anyone could ever go perfect (x6) without all favorites and hit the Pick 6, they would be the BIGGEST PIMP ON PLANT EARTH!) That is why, barring of course my ever shrinking bankroll considerations, I will keep playing it ESPECIALLY on carryover days, and so will thousands and thousands of other people. 

I always say that handicapping horses is like trying to solve a REALLY HARD crossword puzzle, (that happens to be alive and may not feel like running today) that pays you big money when your right. Well the Pick 6 is like Sudoku humped a Rubik's Cube, was forced to life by Dr. Frankenstein, who pumped it full of Dianabol, AND NOW IT WANTS TO TRAMPLE YOUR ASS.

Everyday millions and millions of people around the globe play the Lotto with almost ZERO chance of ever winning. IT IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE, to hit the Pick 6 if you know what your doing, have enough money that you're not too attached to, and of course vital to your success, HAVE A BIT OF GOOD LUCK. The Pick 6 gets hit just about every day and the days when it doesn't, then there is a carry over and that makes EVEN MORE PEOPLE PLAY, but even if its only a measly $30 or $40k, IT IS ACHIEVABLE AND I'M PLANNING ON HITTING ONE. That goddamn Mel Fisher took 16 long years to find the Atocha, SO DON'T COUNT ME OUT YET, I'm getting back up.

So if you know Ray Chi you already know this, but when I do FINALLY hit one....Drinks are on me. FOREVER!

Five Lucky Bastards won $552,535 today with $600,000 in consolation tickets, let's keep swinging. Thanks as always to my faithful parlay partners.

Today's Hourly Rate: -$43.33hr
(For those of you following along, this month is NOT going well. I wonder how late they buy Plasma...)

That's all I got,
raychihasspoken